The Case of Jupiter vs the State of Montana

Exerpted from the Court Records from the Case of Jupiter vs the State of Montana

• Officer Brown: "Do you know why you're here mister Jupiter?"
• Jupiter: "..."
• Brown: "Mister Jupiter, could you please answer the question"
• Jupiter: "Sure do."
• Brown: "Why are you here?"
• Jupiter: "Because you and all the rest of you gubmint uniformed sonsabitches like to ruin nice folks' days by throwin em in cuffs and cars and puttin them in crappy little rooms like this one to ask them a load of stupid questions!"
• Brown: "Mister Jupiter please contain yourself..."
• Jupiter: "Like Hell! You want me contained you can try to do it yourself boy, I ain't got time for this load a bulls.."
• Brown: "Then let's keep this short mister Jupiter. If you would just answer our questions we can all leave early."
• Jupiter: "Fine by me, longs you don't keep askin stupid questions like you just done."
• Brown: "I'll try to refrain. Where were you at 10:45 on midsummer's eve?"
• Jupiter: "I was watchin dancin with the stars. One o them pretty stars used to be my girlfriend! Betcha caint say that gubmint boy!"
• Brown: "No mister Jupiter, I can't."
• Jupiter: "You're god damn right you can't! It's because I got a little somethin I like to call sexitude. Somethin I'm sure a hat like you wouldn't know nothin about."
• Brown "I'm sure I wouldn't. You have a son named Herm, mister Jupiter?"
• Jupiter: "Ayuh."
• Brown: "And your wife's name is... Junebug is it not?"
• Jupiter: "It is."
• Brown: "Mister Jupiter, did you or did you not kill Junebug Jupiter's dog on midsummer's eve?"
• Jupiter: "I would never do somethin like that, that's totally ridiculous! If I need something done when I'm watching dancing with the stars I tell the boy to do it."
• Brown: "Let me get this straight: you ordered your underage son to kill your wife's dog?"
• Jupiter: "You're god damn right I did! I even got up during the commercial break to get him the bread knife outa the drawer he caint reach."
• Brown: "Mister Jupiter, why did..."
• Jupiter: "I said to him, I said 'Boy you gonna go make yoself useful; go out round back where that good for nothin dog of your mother's is and I want you to kill that sumbitch.' He said 'But paw, the dog's mean, I don't wanna kill him and he won't let me nohow anyway!' I says 'Like hell he will! You just read him one o them boring assed book reports you always writin for school. It'll put him right to sleep then you jist cut his head off.'"
• Brown: "Why did you do this?"
• Jupiter: "I had to git back what was mine."
• Brown: "According to your wife the dog was doing it's job guarding your shared property."
• Jupiter: "Shared property my foot!"
• Brown: "Your wife said he was guarding the family cow."
• Jupiter: "Let me tell you something mister government man. That weren't just no cow, that was my lover and my wife is a jealous bitch who deserves what she gets."
• Brown: "Ummm... Mister Jupiter I'm really not sure how to respond to that. Needless to say you are herebye formally placed under arrest for..."
• Jupiter: "For jack shit! I aint done nothin wrong. Junebug's the one you should be talkin to! I'm not the crazy one here! I aint the one who turned the dog's faceskin into a sweater for the cat!"
• Here ends the court record of Jupiter vs Montana